The Edinburgh Fringe officially kicks off today. I head through tomorrow, and both Gentlemen Bears and Why Not Comedy start their run on Saturday.

I am having all the jokes I know tattooed onto my body, so if something happens to me the police will know what show I’m from, and, god willing, someone else will be able to carry it on. Nothing must prevent the show from going ahead. The world needs this.

Do you want to come and see my shows? I hope you do. The details are on the right. All I’m saying is, come to my shows. Come to my shows, with your body and face and your eight friends. Please. I love and respect you. Bear that in mind. I think you are tip-top – just superb. See you soon, big man.

In other news I’m through to the semi-finals of the So You Think You’re Funny competition, which I’m chuffed about, even though I’ve never been chuffed about anything before because I’m not a character from Just William.